15 April 2007,11:45 am
Mum calling me....
''Adek,i want go 2 out first 2 buy food 4 ur father.Go 2 my room n take him now..''
As soon as possible i go 2 their room,n in dat time i sw him lay on the bed...
I see his body is very thin n his skin bcome more dark than b4..i feel want 2 cry but i know i cant cry in front of him..
He smile 2 me n said
''Adek,come here.Massage my leg please''
I come 2 him,sit near him n massage his leg..i saw his foot..
All his skin r peel,flake..
''Adek,why u staring on my foot??''
''Nothing father,i feel want 2 throw all dead skin on ur foot dats all''
''In dat case,go take nail cutters n throw all dead skin on it..''
I follow 2 his order,take nail cutters n cut all dead skin on his weak leg..
I cut it slowly..
''Adek,when ur PMR exam?''
''Im still not sure 4 it father.Sumthing wrong?''
''Im just asking,u hav 2 study hard from now Adek.PMR is very important and u hav 2 focus 2 ur mathematics subject.I know u dont hav problem with other subject but plz this time i want u pass with dat subject.''
I just see him with gloomy eyes...
''Insya allah,father i will...''
His disease make he sumtimes forget many things,but im really impressed dat he still worry 2 my important examination,PMR..
''Adek,i want u study hard n bcome a successful girl.I always said the same thing 2 u n make sure dat u remember 4 wat all thing i said.N dont forget ur pray n u other responsible 2 Allah.Every time u feel so down,go pray 2 Allah bcoz only Allah will always hear u.Many secret between us dat other people dont know n everything we discuss,u hav 2 solve it n find a way.Im always pray u,when im gone u take care 2 ur mum,study hard n if u fall in love with guy one day,plz choose a good guy 4 u.And important thing is dont forget ur pray,always pray dat u can success in ur academic n dont sleep 2 late again.''
I feel want 2 cry in dat time,so i said 2 him
''Father can i go 2 room 4 a while?I want 2 take my handphone n i will be back.''
Father said ''Yes,go take ur phone now..im waiting..''
I run 2 my room n im start crying..
Oh father...i know n i always feel dat ur time is come but y u said sumthing like dat 2 me?
How dare u said like dat 2 me,father..how dare u...''
Im try 2 stop cry n wrap my tears...
I go in front of the mirror n make sure my eyes is normal..
Then i go down back 2 his room again..
He see my eyes,im afraid he know dat im crying..
Suddenly he smile..just a simple smile..
''Sand come 2 ur eyes again??''
''Yes father..'' Im lie 2 him...
''Go wash it,i hav eye drop on dat table..take it now..''
Im feel guilty now,he know im lie 2 him..
But i do his order..
''Adek..''
''Yes father...''
''U dont hav 2 cry next time ok.U r big girl alredy..''
Im just smile..
A fake smile actually...
..............................................................................................................................
Father..
Im sorry..
Its alredy near 4 year u passed away n leave us..
But u always in my mind 24 hours..
Father..
U everything 2 me..
U r my father,my bestfriend,my superhero n my teacher..
Losing u is the big sadness in my life..
I just get ur love in 15 years until u close ur eyes...
But i cant blame fate n Allah love u so much..
Father..
If u ask wat my heart want in dat time,i want 2 hug u father..
But bcoz of ur bone cancer i cant touch u or u will feel so hurt..
I still remember dat 3 days b4 u passed away,tears always fall down from ur eyes..
When u hear im in hospital 3 days b4 u passed away...
Ur tears fall down without stop..
Actually im in pressure in dat time..
But i swear im in pressure not bcoz i cant join the camp but actually im so worry 2 u..
But no one understand wat in my heart..
Since u gone,my heart bcome like a stone..
Father..
Today i write this note on my blog..
I miss u so damn much..
I feel so down today..
N i need u..
But u nver wil be here...
My tears dont stop fall down when i write this..
Father,only pray i can giv 2 u..
4 my beloved father,Haji Dahali bin Haji Harun..
May ur soul rest in peace,father...
As ur daugther,Rafiqah binti Haji Dahali..
Im proud dat ur blood in my body...
Im feel so touched when all people still remember u n im proud of dat..
I swear father..
Even i dont hav anyone 2 help me stand up again like u did b4..
I will stand up by myself..
Im a reflection of hurt feeling turn bcome a girl who always try 2 find medicine 2 heal myself..
But in the end,i still dont find medicine 4 myself..
2 heal a big scar in my heart since u leave me...n it will nver heal 4ever
I love u father so much...te queiro...
